As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
