I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
