im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
