Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
