I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
