Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
