You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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