I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
