I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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