Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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