Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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