I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
