I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
