If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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