her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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