just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Mom said you looked used
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
