There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
