those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
