1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
