You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
