I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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