I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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