Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
