My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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