dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
