Nicole vs. Life
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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