the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
