You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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