her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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