My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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