He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
