I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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