I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
