omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
