hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
