how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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