I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
He kissed a someone with a penis
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you inspire me to be a worse person
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
