I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
