Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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