i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
