In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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