Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
