omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
