well I can't set my house on fire every night
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
