May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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