I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
