i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
