my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
