seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
