She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
