i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you traded sex for a burrito?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
