and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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