she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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