i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
