I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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